Aftercare: Integration

MDMA does NOT heal you. It simply doesn’t....  so what exactly does it do, then? 

I'm so glad you asked!

Did you ever have a time in your life where you skinned up your knees? Perhaps really bad?  Whether you recall the event or not, you probably did at some point, as it’s a common childhood event & I’m sure I did this at least once –I *definitely* did it playing sports growing up…

If you did it bad enough, you may have been taken to a doctor or urgent care or the like. 

Just like the doctor or nurse that attended to your injured knee didn’t heal you, neither does this medicine. What it DOES do is exactly what the healthcare worker did: they helped clean out the wound (let’s get that gravel out of there), disinfect it (this sometimes stings) & if the wound was bad enough, perhaps they applied a few stitches (close things up to heal faster). 

They cleaned up the environment and placed your body in the optimal condition to HEAL ITSELF.  They set the stage for your body to do what it does naturally.

The doctor did not heal you. And neither does MDMA. But it helps set the stage so you can heal yourself.

Our body AND our psyche has a profound & intelligent ability to heal. And it’s automatic –we don’t have to consciously do anything once the stage is set for healing. We just have to continue to care for & support ourselves. We have to allow ourselves some time to feel tender while the healing is going on, perhaps be a little more gentle with ourselves, protecting the area from further insult… but a magical thing happens in the aftermath…. We do heal. 

So what does this look like in a real world example in the aftermath of an MDMA session? While I can only speak for myself here, I noticed that my inner critic was a little less aggressive & a little more encouraging.

A few days after my first MDMA session, I found myself back in real life & going about my work day….

After making a mistake I caught & ruminating on it for a bit, I was walking back to my bedroom and literally heard myself say “It’s okay, you caught it & fixed it, you’re good.” ….

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE, …..   well, THAT’S a new reaction. Holy crap.

Seems almost trivial, right? But when you’re brutally aggressive to yourself and you cut yourself a tiny piece of slack in the moment….  Well….  That’s HUGE. It literally stopped me in my tracks as I was like, WHOA, where did that come from?!??  I need to do this more. And I have. I have fostered this self-kindness at every turn I possibly could and, let me tell you….  This creates a life that’s much more enjoyable to participate in, even for the most mundane of days. This was huge for me.

And I’ve just continued to build on these types of small shifts. Because you still have to build, you still have to positively reinforce the habit. Whether it’s not forcing myself to go workout because I didn’t sleep well the night before (coming from a background of over-exercising & eating disordered behavior) or just showing myself the same kindness internally that I would a friend who had a disappointing outcome on a project.

It’s amazing how much life shifts when you show yourself come compassion & care and it really was astounding to me how much I literally *hated* myself. I mean, I knew I wasn’t kind to myself, but it was really eye opening to see just how deep those roots of self-loathing & hatred went and the fact that I didn’t even plant those seeds…. They were gifted to me from others…. To uproot all of that horrific internal dialogue is just one of the best gifts I’ve ever given myself.

The little changes that may be 1 or 2% really start to stack up. You just keep building on the new foundation & soon enough, the landscape of your psyche starts to look very, very different.