MDMA Therapy….  Yeah, you read that right.

Over the past 20-24 months, I’ve been participating in a series of therapy sessions utilizing MDMA as a catalyst for therapeutic endeavors.  Now if your first response to reading that was, WTF Danielle, why are you using club drugs at all? Are you insane? The answers are: I’ll explain & no. Actually more sane than ever. For real.

Because this is so much information & a fair amount of it needs explaining to avoid misunderstandings, this might get long. Grab a caffeinated beverage & a comfy seat.

First off, what is MDMA? Or rather… I’ll begin with what it’s not.

You’ve probably heard the terms MDMA & Ecstasy (or Molly) used interchangeably & in reference to raves/electronic music, etc. They are not interchangeable terms, despite common use. If you grew up like me -a product of the DARE Generation, you only associate those names with raver kids, glow sticks and, for some inexplicable reason showing my age perhaps, neon-mesh clothing. It’s the stuff that makes you love everyone and want to pet everything, right? Well…   Kinda….

While MDMA is supposed to be the primary ingredient in Ecstasy, it’s often not. If you weren’t aware, the American drug scene is trash and, since it’s wholly unregulated when it comes to this stuff due to illegality, often times when you’re taking Ecstasy, there’s actually minimal MDMA and a whole host of other, often un-identifiable, ingredients in it. When you hear of people over-heating, drinking too much water & dying or becoming horribly depressed in the days/weeks after ingestion, it’s typically due to mystery ingredients (mixed with alcohol, no less) that the pill has been cut with –so while you thought you took MDMA, there’s a very real chance that there was no actual MDMA in your ecstasy at all –just a host of other, cheaper substances or amphetamines that mimic the effects at the expense of your internal organs. As with everything in life, quality matters.  

Just so we’re clear here: When I’m speaking of MDMA, I’m not talking about club/rave drugs you’ve been referencing your whole life or can get from your neighbors sketchy nephew. I’m talking about pure, lab-synthesized 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine. Actual MDMA. Not Ecstasy, not molly, but MDMA….

So, now that you know what it’s not, what exactly is MDMA?

Originally synthesized in 1912 in Germany, MDMA went pretty unrecognized until a US chemist named Shulgin stumbled across it, tested it on himself and, thinking it had potential, gave it to a friend named Zeff who was a psychotherapist. Zeff observed that it lowered people’s limiting inhibitions while simultaneously allowing them access to deeper parts of themselves, their emotions & their internal wiring.

It worked so well for therapy that Zeff created a professional protocol & traveled the world through the 70’s & 80’s training thousands of therapists how to utilize this substance to make monumental headway with their clients. This tool was incredibly beneficial to not only the individual therapists, but also couples/relationship therapists.

So if this history is all true & MDMA is so great, how did it become illegal?

 It wasn’t until the late 70's/early 80’s that it found its way into the underground club scene & earned the party/dangerous reputation that it still has today –landing a place on the Fed’s Schedule I list as highly illegal, with zero practical use cited. The smear campaign included convincing the public that it was insidiously dangers with high addiction potential and, of course, the threat of making you lose your mind or instant death –sound familiar? Insert my biggest eye roll here… Thanks, Nancy.

What exactly makes MDMA so great for therapy? Specifically, trauma-informed therapy helping with PTSD?

MDMA has a few different mechanisms that help with the impact of working through past experiences that cause problems for many people in their everyday life:

1.       It relaxes the Fight or Flight panic response in the brain & nervous system –the fear center of the brain is calmed and the emotional reactivity is greatly muted. (or in my case, quieted completely)

2.       It improves the communication/connection between the memory center and the observational centers of the brain.

3.       It helps with heightened self-awareness in the respect that the critical analytical mind takes a back seat to the compassionate & level-headed observational mind.

What does all that mean, exactly?

It means that we’re able to be less guarded or worked up about the things we’ve been through and are able to see the reality of what we’ve actually experienced and how it impacted us. Because we’re able to look at things from a detached & safe viewpoint –emotional arms-length, if you will, the emotional reactivity that’s kept us trapped in unhealthy cycles is able to dissipate & process out of the body.

Some people carry vivid & terrifying memories of the things they’ve experienced in life. Some people, like me, have entirely blocked out various experiences, as the psyche has incredible mechanisms for keeping us “safe” in the moment, even if the repercussions are grave down the road.  In my case, I completely locked away memories of terrible experiences… to the extent that all I had in the aftermath was a blank space of lost time. I distinctly recall the next day thinking I had blacked out & wondering why. I could not process what my mind had locked away from me. And no amount of talk therapy was ever going to unlock that in me. Trust me, I tried, my mind was too strong –and for that I’m thankful as it’s been a vigilant protector of me.

But you can’t release what you don’t know is there & you’ll never know what’s there if we instinctually & subconsciously suppress it for our own “good.” When you create a space for the emotions & allow them to come up, you’re able to process them, learn what you need & let them go. There’s a point where your protection becomes a roadblock & must be addressed.

Down the line, your body often struggles with mystery symptoms & habits that don’t make sense. “I have a good life, why is this a problem?” …

Addiction struggles are a very common response to PTSD. Mine reared its ugly head with alcohol earlier on in life (I actually quit drinking before I turned 21 because it had become a problem) & after that, bulimia ran the ship. Had I run in a group that normalized illicit drug usage or been exposed to that early in life, I’m sure that would have been a coping mechanism as well for me, but it was not in my case. I’m stating that to explain that it’s all coping mechanisms, no matter how illegal or bad you may deem one over the other. Common addictions in the wake of traumatic experiences include: shopping, gambling, sex, drugs, drinking, food, etc. It's about numbing pain, the vehicle matters not, as it's all for the same reason.

What does an MDMA Therapy session look like?

A typical session for me is scheduled early to mid-afternoon, around 2 to 3pm or so. I’ve eaten a light lunch meal & have made sure & hydrated well the day before as well as in the earlier part of the day.

While you can use a bed or a couch or a mat to lie down on, I typically use my bed. Somewhere you can lay back & just relax. A session can last from a range 3-6 hours usually, so you’ll want to be comfortable for that amount of time. My sessions typically last 5-6 hours as the last of the effects are phasing out over the last hour.

I take my dose of MDMA with some water or juice. Sometimes you have the option of taking a 2nd “top up” or booster dose an hour in, but I haven’t personally found that very effective for enhancing the therapeutic experience.

Eye cover (sleep mask) on to block out extra light that may interfere with the relaxation. You want to minimize any type of visual distraction -this is very important for the experience & has been found to be one of the most influential factors in the overall therapeutic process.

At this point, some mellow music is typically played in the background –without lyrics, so you can just relax into the music. I like the meditation style music that doesn’t have heavy beats or distracting vocals, just something you can kind of blend into in the background of things, but is also soothing and enjoyable. Sometimes music has irritated me so I turned it off. It can vary.

You can have a facilitator sitting in the room with you who is there for support if you need, but I’ve done sessions both with and without a facilitator. You can talk as much or as little as you like, I really don’t talk at all, I don’t feel the need.

As the medicine kicks in (usually from 45-60 min), the experience can take a variety of forms:  pictures or scenes can play in the mind’s eye as you watch or sometimes emotions come up in relation to past experiences. Sometimes the body just wants to move or shake (my jaw shaking/chattering is a common occurrence for me –similar to chattering teeth, but you’re not cold & it’s not actual teeth chatter, it’s the jaw releasing some kind of tension). Most of my sessions are a combination of all 3 of those things.

I notice that when things are kicking in, my hands get a little bit clammy/sweaty & I can sweat  –but just a little & nothing uncomfortable. I believe it does temporarily elevate your heart rate & perspiration, but both of those things were minimal for me. It didn’t impact my blood sugar –that remained steady.

I find that my logical/analytical mind is fully aware the whole time, but as the medicine kicks in, that analytical mind takes a back seat to a kind & gentle, very loving inner knowing voice. And this is the voice that walked me through everything. With the utmost love, appreciation and tenderness. Like a loving guide holding your hand as you journey along, always with encouragement and gentleness. It was exactly what I needed. I am often shown different scenarios in my life & how they impacted me. A lot of, “Ohhhhh, so THAT’S why…..” 

In most of my sessions, there are snippits of scenes in my life playing on the screen of my mind. Sometimes it’s just emotions washing over me in waves. Sometimes it’s crying, but sometimes it’s laughing & bursting with joy and contentment. Sometimes it’s just appreciation for everything I have & all I’ve navigated through in life. Sometimes it’s a more “somatic” experience where I have twitches or shaking/shivering. Many sessions are all of those experiences at different times, but my sessions are usually heavy on the scenes playing & getting insights by way of the inner kind & knowing voice. You can experience a completely somatic (in the body) response with no emotions at all, or all emotions & no visuals/somatic processing. The medicine truly knows what you need & your body/psyche is wise. You will have the experience that is in your best & highest interest -this has been shown to me time & time again.

The images/stories/insights ebb & flow for the duration of the experience for me and you can tell when your system has synthesized things out.

I have had sessions where I’ve thrown up in the middle of things or at the end. And yes, you know it’s coming & can walk to the bathroom as you still have your wits about you, remember? I don’t know why the body sometimes purges, but I have definitely done so & I think it’s in relation to releasing certain chemical compounds on a cellular level. Because it definitely wasn’t something I ate. I’m telling you this because I want you to have an informed idea of what a session might look like for you, should you choose to pursue this type of therapy. Afterward, I rinsed out my mouth & just went back to lie down to continue the session.

At any point in the experience, you can remove your eye mask, open your eyes & you’re fully in the room again. I usually have to get up & use the restroom once and you just sit up slowly and be mindful. At no point are you gorked out of your mind or having visual disturbances/hallucination, etc –a very different experience that I originally expected…. Thanks for the brainwashing, DARE. The walls were not melting, the flowers did not smile at me while they danced around & I remained fully in contact with all my reasoning faculties. I did notice that contrast in my vision intensified. Like one time I went to the bathroom, I noticed all the floor cracks & how intense nature looked out the window. I’ve got no explanation for that one, haha.

After it’s ended, I typically hydrate a little bit (but not too much too fast, as I get a little bit queasy if I do) & then go to bed. I’m usually pretty wiped out at the end of a session so that’s not hard to do.

I have not experienced the “down” days/week that many people report after using ecstasy (not MDMA) –just the opposite, in fact. It has served as an anti-depressant for me.

SOME IMPORTANT NOTES:  In order to participate in this type of therapy, you CANNOT be on SSRI's due to the interaction with serotonin. Benzos will also kill the efficacy of the session. We're learning that certain meds to interact with the uptake (like semiglutide/Wegovy/Ozempic) but when the Phase 3 trials are completed, I'm sure we'll have a better understanding of interactions of which to be aware.

Why did I seek out & participate in MDMA therapy sessions?

 The short answer: Fairly severe cPTSD that was affecting my life & my relationships in every negative way possible. And it was getting progressively worse.

Before I embarked on this adventure, I wanted to be able to somehow assess my current psychological state to later have a baseline which to compare results to down the road. Yes, I wanted something that could measure results in a way that showed me if all this effort was worth it.

Enter the Civilian PTSD Assessment (CPL-C). It’s a 17 question assessment of current PTSD symptoms to help professionals determine the level of severity that a patient might be experiencing.

I took the test initially at the beginning of 2021, before any treatment, and purposefully did not tally or look up the scoring so as not to influence my future endeavors. I folded up the paper and tucked it away in my desk drawer so as not to stumble across it accidentally later. I also knew my memory sucked & I wouldn’t remember a damn thing about it.

The PTSD test scoring ranges from 17 – 85 & is broken down like this:

17-29: considered little to no severity –minimal to small impact on daily life.

30-44: Moderate to moderately high severity. Fair to significant disruption of daily life.

45-85: High severity of PTSD symptoms. Life is significantly impacted/disrupted.

My initial score was 70.

Now I do realize that this assessment is a professionals opinion (just as the cutoffs are) on how an individual is impacted by highlighted symptoms, but I needed an assessment of my default settings and this provided that measurement. I also understand that just because you give something a name doesn’t fix a damn thing but again, I needed a baseline. This test provided that baseline.

Yet another reason that I needed this assessment is because I didn’t fit any mold or profile at the time…. I went undiagnosed well into my early 40’s. I also don’t fit the stereotypical PTSD mold… I’m not a veteran, I’m a woman, I earn a good living & I’m not in active, debilitating addiction or homeless.

Years of talk therapy had resulted in miniscule gains (which I was grateful for) & temporary encouragement, but I always settled back into my baseline.

Changing my diet to non-inflammatory gave me a big leg up on a lot of symptoms as well. I also have a very supportive spouse –all of these things added up to small but positive improvements.

But no single thing had the monumental impact of MDMA therapy & what it’s given me back….

What was my score last fall when I dug out the paper & re-took the test?

29.

Freaking 29. I barely registered any more -little to no severity (I was on the high end, so a little still, to be fair). If I took it right now, I might even be lower...  might have to do that...  but I knew internally that things had drastically shifted before seeing that number on the test.... But that number was physical confirmation for what I knew had shifted internally. I sat at my kitchen island, holding that second test & cried some good tears that night.

What has MDMA therapy done for me?

 I knew this would be the hard part to write….  There’s so much subtlety to the changes and shifts in my life & yet so much dramatic improvement. It’s almost hard to quantify but I’ll do my best, so hang with me if I ramble a bit. I’m also plagued with the thought of “what if everyone doesn’t understand just how huge of an internal shift this has been for me & HOW MUCH it’s ushered in improvements in my daily life?” …  I trust that this will resonate with the people it needs to & the others will hopefully tuck it away in the back of their minds to mention when they have a loved one who may be struggling similarly. That’s all I can hope for.

 Since I was small, I have felt my default setting was sadness. Just a baseline of….  despair. And loneliness. There would be times of enjoyment, happiness & of course, contentment, but I always felt like I eventually returned to my baseline of deep, aching sadness & disconnection. Yes, I have a pretty good idea of where it all originated from, it was not one single thing but a cocktail of circumstances, but that’s not the point of this post.  The point is that it was my baseline & it’s a rough way to go through life, contributing to everything from a fairly miserable existence to a bevy of health challenges to emotional distress dire enough to create seasons of not want to wake up the next morning.

 Now being on the other end of 2 years worth of therapy, for the most part, that despair has abated. It started lifting after the first session. I feel a peacefulness that borders on hopefulness. And to be clear, I do not believe in a heaven or hell, I don’t believe I have “everlasting joy” & streets of gold waiting for me when I die –so that’s not the hopefulness that I carry.

 I have also lived my life dealing with the narrative of “Not Good Enough. EVER. For ANYTHING.” ….  This translated into struggling with everything from an eating disorder, to a drinking problem, to not being able to get things done business-wise because the result I was trying to accomplish just didn’t meet my own personal standards to staying stuck in a project that desperately needed completed. So I did nothing.

 Now, to be fair, my husband has been a great example of this navigation: I would draw up some design for the business, not happy with it & he’s like, “Looks good, send it”….  To which my horrified response was, “oh god no, it needs this and this and THIS”…. To which he responded, “It gets the job done, it’s good enough, go.”  And he’s right. I have now had a handful of projects completed where I was honestly unhappy with the results I created because they weren’t my definition of perfect, however that little knowing voice came in & said, “It’s good enough, send it.” And I did. And I lived. And the Analysis Paralysis was quieted enough to get it done. If you know what I’m talking about, fellow perfectionists, THIS IS HUGE. (and honestly, this process is what has delayed this 5th post in light of all the other ones coming out in quick succession…..)

My inner critic has abated probably 90%. Often times, my knee jerk reactions to my own mistakes are mostly met with kindness & a compassionate response.  This alone is worth the price of admission.

But a funny thing happens when you’re not hammering yourself with hateful internal messages….  Things get a little easier. Projects get a little easier to complete….  Self-care gets a bit easier to carve out time for…. It gets a little bit easier to relax into the arms of those that truly care about you. Now don’t get me wrong, it still takes EFFORT, because none of this feels natural at first…. but damn…. When there’s not a 200ft concrete wall of resistance in front of you, it is easier to push forward with what you know you need to do. Even if just a little.

And that little help? That little difference? That little bit of taking the edge off the sharp corners is often all you need to push forward with a bit of hope. The hope that builds when you’re not berating yourself, but going, holy shit, I did that. I’ve never been able to do that before and I DID THAT.

HOLY SHIT.

I have been able to process a LOT of emotions that were, to this point, locked away from even my own awareness.

This process has helped me identify some very harmful mindsets that I carried around for 4+ decades & to start re-writing them. This is part of the work that comes *after* the session. You will often hear this called “integration” and it’s the process of absorbing & digesting the insight that comes after the sessions. It’s arguably where 90% of the healing occurs.

Now the last thing I want to paint this process as is now everything is a panacea & life is blissful all the time & fairy dust & unicorn farts & insert spiritual guru bullshit catchphrases here….

I still struggle with letting out my emotions in the moment & identifying them. But I’m getting a lot better. I'm improving.  And because I’m getting better at that, I’m getting better and letting them out so they don’t ruminate internally causing other havoc. I truly believe that not being permitted to express emotions (which I was taught) turned into me, as an adult, clamping down on them myself & it caused all kinds of mental, emotional & physical problems.

We are finally figuring out that having an overly-reactive nervous system affects just about everything. And we’re figuring out some of what winds up our nervous system –a lot of it is experiences that overwhelms our emotional capacity to handle/process them. I’m a textbook example of this.

Some odd examples of having a highly activated nervous system is that many of my senses overlap when one is suddenly overwhelmed/activated. What do I mean? Often, when I hear loud, startling noises, I also tend to see flashes of white light across my vision. Most of the time it’s sound that activates other sensory reactions, but on occasion, it’s been vision or touch. It’s very weird to people who don’t experience it when you try & explain so I understand if this doesn’t make sense. I 100% believe that this is an electrical/neural response to bottled emotions. And this isn’t even tapping the surface of auto-immune issues that are now being associated with psychological experiences. This has calmed considerably.

And honestly, there is so much more in the way of results & improvement of my life experience. Everything from my night terrors finally abating fully, to taking better care of myself, to just appreciating and enjoying my own experience in this life.

I understand that a lot of my vast improvements don’t show on the outside & I was pretty good at hiding a lot of the turmoil that was going on inside….  But I also know that this shift has been apparent to those close to me and, most importantly, to MYSELF. It's been an astronomically healing past 2 years.

If any of this is resonating with you & you have started contemplating this type of therapy, there are some things to consider:

1. Currently, MDMA is a schedule I drug & illegal in this country. Yep, I’m a dirty law breaker.

2. There are certain health conditions that this is contra-indicated for, mainly, heart & blood pressure issues.

3. You cannot be on any SSRI’s to participate in this therapy.

If you’re doing more research into this line of therapy, consider reading the book “A Dose Of Hope” by Alex Young & Dan Engle. It’s a short fiction book that does a great job out telling the story of a young man seeking out MDMA therapy & everything that goes into the preparation, the session & the after-care. 

If you have questions about any of this series, please reach out to me. I don’t really do facebook messenger, so a text or a call is the best. Email even. Anything but FB messenger, because I will NOT see it in a timely manner. And I would love to chat with anyone who has a curiosity about this process.

Do I think this write up fully encompasses the benefits & healing that has occurred in me these past 2 years?  Or is in any way a good enough synopsis of what this type of therapy can help with? Not even close. But I’m gonna post it anyways.

Some additional thoughts.....

This process, this medicine is SO so gentle. I was originally scared to "go through the ringer" with the process because of my preconceived notions about what healing looks like & was just going to white-knuckle it through.....  no. I cannot express the gentleness & love I have felt through this process. The support internally that the medicine offered and how unbelievably loved & supported with compassion the process is....  it was mind-blowing.

Even when the emotions are tough & there are tears, they are cathartic tears. I cannot relay the amount of compassion & love I've experienced through this process. It has taught me that the body/mind is wise & wants to heal.

The best analogy I have heard about this process is this:

The MDMA does not heal you. Your body & mind have imbedded wisdom and the ability to heal all things. What happens is that we get stuck in patterns that stand in the way of healing and, through no fault of our own, can't circumvent the roadblocks.

When you fell off your bike as a kid & cut or scraped your knee, if it was bad enough, you went to the doctor. The doctor does not heal you. But what they do for you is clear away the gravel, disinfect the wound and then, if needed, sew you up with some stitches. Your own body does the healing. The doctor simply clears away the roadblocks that inhibit your body from doing it's natural healing. The doctor does not heal you. They set the stage so you can heal yourself.

It's imperative that this distinction is made. The MDMA clears away a lot of the gravel so that your innate wisdom can step to the forefront & start healing. 

So yes, the MDMA experience itself can be therapeutic, enjoyable even. But the real healing comes in the days, weeks & months following the experience: the Integration. The integration of your experience is where you start to see the shifts, some subtle, some not, in how you navigate life afterward. And this? This is quite literally where the magic happens. Living your life with a new lens & learning to navigate a newer, healing normal.....  Seeing yourself with the compassion you deserve.... this is what makes this medicine special.